Obviously I got nothing to do..:p

Training in Sitiawan is coming to an end real soon! :D

Not that I don't like to be back home but life back here is pretty boring. No happy hour after work and people here are quite B.O.R.I.N.G. Wanna wear a little bit prettier, skirt one palm above the knee also get all those aunties and pervert uncle eyes looking at you one kind. My casual make up with eyeliner also consider as heavy make up,I'm like - whaattt?!.And those killer heels that I brought back is still in the luggage bag. -_-"

Apart from all that, life back home are I can say-peaceful. I got homecooked food and soups. No jams,no queues...just lots of traffic lights and tortoises on the road. I honked quite a lot when I'm driving here.

And today, I'm craving for TGI Friday's buffalo wings. I miss KL so much. Thank God Cherry is here with me for this week.

~JeSsC~

Its a self-advisory post v1.

Misery never seems to even think of breaking up with me after a few attempts of me trying to, till a state where one of my friend even asked me when she can get my reply saying that 'I'm good' in a delightful way when she asked 'How are you?'. Well I wished my dear.

After a number of rejections, controversies and misconceptions happened for the past few months, well not that I've never been misconceived before but lately it got worst. I know I'm responsible for my actions that took them that way but I am just being myself, expressing what I feel and doing what I feel like doing as long as I know where my limit is.

I somehow realized as the world evolves we no longer live for ourselves, we live to impress people, to impose ourselves to be what and how people would like us to be. Is this how it should be? And what if you don't? With the technology and the power of social networks these days, within seconds you could be down to nothing or you suddenly become famous either in a good way or bad.

As much as you don't want to care somehow it will still effect you. So how? Lock yourself up, stay at home and not see anyone? NO! Just be yourself. If they can't accept you for who you are, what for you hold on to them. Just smile and spend the rest of the day being yourself without feeling guilty to yourself. :)

Disclaimer : This post is not about anyone. Don't perasan and think this post is about you. #justsaying

~JeSsC~

What if...

I'm sure a lot of people have questioned themselves 'What if..' at least once in their lifetime. So do I. I've made lots of mistakes in life. Bad decisions. Sometimes Influenced. Took lots of risk. Failed lots of time.

What if I've continue to pursue in my studies?

What if I've never joined AA?

What if I've never quit AA?

What if I didn't take the job offer from E?

What if I never quit E?

What if I never meet those people I've met?

What if ......

I guess only God has the answers to all these questions. Sometimes I regret sometimes I don't. Whether or not, all of these taught me a lesson-somehow or rather.

Well AA taught well on me how to take shits, the long hours, the packed roster, how to be 'fake', what's the meaning of 'don't judge a book by it's cover' literally, how to apologize just for the sake of it, how to not trust people, how materialistic and how mean this world can be *or maybe just in Malaysia*. No matter how bad the experience were, I had to admit it made me a stronger and a much mature person now.

My ex-manager once told me the reason why he hired me, he said 'ex-stewardess take a lot of shit from people, its not an easy job to handle so many people at the same time'. True. I left AA with no experience at all, as in career related, and I joined E as a Account/Client Servicing Executive. Everything was new to me except for handling client part but these kinda client were totally different. It was hard to cope in the beginning, made lots of mistakes, disappoint lots of people/colleagues but thank God I have good colleagues and my ex-boss who gave me lots of opportunity to learn, forgave me and never ever stop teaching me, not only work related, even life philosophy, general knowledge. But unfortunately life has never been good to me every since I left AA-financially, been struggling my whole year and then I decided to go back to flying.

I've tried Korean Air, I get through the final round and went for medical check-up all the way in Seoul. Sad to say, I failed the last round. I know you guys might be thinking - drugs?! Hell NO! and the reason they gave me is that I'm not tall enough and I actually passed the first round of physical test during the first interview. How STUPID is that?! And I've already tender my resignation. I know I can always take it back but I decided not to.

Then I went to SIA interview, passed everything except for the skin check, AGAIN!Sighh....wanted to try the other middle east airlines but I gave up. Went to a few company for interview, luckily all the company that I went to consider in hiring me but I rejected all of them. I decided to wait.

3 months later, I started with my new job. So here I am, new job new industry. Good luck and all the best to me.

~JeSsC~

Somebody that you used to know..

Sometimes is because of distance, sometimes is because of self-esteem and sometimes is because of respect that you can’t be with the person you loved. Tried to stay friends but you realize that you cared too much and you will get jealous when you see them with other person. Tried to move on with someone else but you can’t open up yourself and you don’t have that amount of feelings to give in.

You know that things can't be like this all the time, so you slowly drift apart, came out with some stupid arguement so that you both get really angry and then not see each other again. Months passed, every little thing you do, everywhere you go and everything you see..its all about that someone that you used to know. When you bumped into each other, you acted like nothing happened, just like friends but inside of you, you're dying to tell that someone you used to know how much you missed them...like crazy. Even more heartbreaking that you see it in their eyes that they missed you too..

P.s: Go watch movie like ‘Like Crazy’ to ‘One Day’ and lastly a Cantonese love movie ‘Romancing in thin air’

~JeSsC~

Taking the next step..

Lately, going to work is such a dreadful thing to do. I just feel like staying at home and spend time with Cherry. Going to work doesn't excite me anymore, I don't feel motivated. Its gonna be a year now by month end. I'd decided to leave this company since January, my birthday, my most memorable day, the one I will remember for life, the day I was supposed to be happy, the day where I was blamed that 90% of the mistake was mine. I was heartbroken. Nope I didn't cry, I strongly hold my tears back and forced a smile on my face. I went back to my desk and quickly opened Microsoft Words...and I don't know how to start. Then I think again and I closed the window. 

Weeks passed, I applied for a few jobs. None called. After about a month plus, some company that I didn't apply for actually called me to go for interview. One even offered me a very attractive package and wants me to start immediately but I told them I'll think about it. They called me every week to ask if I'm interested. At last I rejected the offer.

15 days more it's gonna be my second interview for Korean Air. Yup, the airlines. How much I hated Air Asia but I missed the night stops and the advantages of cheap air tickets. Why I choose Korean Air is because it is based in KL so that I won't miss home, family and friends, clubs and parties. LOL. Well I'm excited...nervous, don't know what the future may bring, don't know whether am I doing the right decision. But then again,you never try you will never know. Just go with the flow, be stronger than ever and enjoy every single moment of it, I will never know that I might learn something out of it, good or bad, my choice, my decision and I will have to bear the consequences. 

So please pray for me for those who is reading my blog.

~JeSsC~

It's easy to say..

disappointment

When everyone is disappointed with me, the more I am disappointed with myself.

I cried alone sitting in the parking lot. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I feel so useless. I feel so worthless. I feel so stupid.

Why everyone put so much hope on me when I don't even have hopes on myself? Why have so much expectation on me when I always let you down? Why give me the chance when I don't even want the chance to live? Why love me when I only love myself more than anyone else?

So tired of being strong all the time..

I feel like taking some time off and be alone. So tired to force a smile on my face. So tired of being nice. So tired of acting like nothing happened. So tired of holding the tears in my eyes.

I'm totally disappointed with myself. I feel like giving up and I always think of giving up but I don't have the strength and the courage to.

What's wrong with me? Why am I being such a fool? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?!

I think I've made a lot of people disappointed as well. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry to myself too.

Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Wine and some love songs...

Sometimes being alone is not that bad after all. It’s been awhile since I’ve enjoy this kinda moment, I remembered the last time was … 2 years ago. And tonight I’m all alone at home with my radio on and a few glasses of white wine.

Last Friday night I was partying with my colleagues… and my girls – how can I miss them out! Sorry to the birthday boys, I guess I dumped them aside and my colleagues and boss too…I was just too busy with my girls as usual. But there’s drama at the end of that night, this one cried that one cried. Well, sometimes a shoulder to cry on, some pat on the back and a hug is all we wanted. Had a chat with my friend till 6 in the morning telling her the facts in life then suddenly after that conversation I’m amazed with myself, I’m speaking my thoughts out.

Have you ever fall in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? You’ve tried your best to change that person to the one who is totally right for you. You failed.  After all, that person will go back to their same old self because they changes because you want them to. And realized that they were not happy being the changed person that you want them to be.

Have you fall in love with someone who is so right for you but is not the type/material that you want? That you know someday you will wake up and say – “what’s wrong with me?” or “who is he/she?”  And then you’ve tried your best to change that person to the one who is as wrong as you. You might succeed but are they really the one you wanna be with for a long time?

And when you think he/she’s the one, he/she changed. Like suddenly or when you find out his/her little secret or past that you never wanna know. You were disappointed.  And your feelings changed too.

All I wanted to say is – nothing is certain and no one is perfect. You won’t know what will happen in a split second. People can change in just a split second. Something like when you wake up one day and decided you wanna do something and no one can make you change your mind even though you’ll regret about it. Choice is in your hand. And no matter it is true or not, you think that God has a plan for you and there’s a reason why he put you in all these.

Just enjoy life as it is. Do whatever you want that makes you happy. Why make it so complicated when it will only make you miserable all the time? If it’s not working out, why wanna force yourself to be someone other than yourselves in order to make things right? Why control your feelings when you know you can't control it at all? 

Choice is in your hands. No one can take that away from you once you've make up your mind. As long as you are happy.

~JeSsC~