disappointment

When everyone is disappointed with me, the more I am disappointed with myself.

I cried alone sitting in the parking lot. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I feel so useless. I feel so worthless. I feel so stupid.

Why everyone put so much hope on me when I don't even have hopes on myself? Why have so much expectation on me when I always let you down? Why give me the chance when I don't even want the chance to live? Why love me when I only love myself more than anyone else?

So tired of being strong all the time..

I feel like taking some time off and be alone. So tired to force a smile on my face. So tired of being nice. So tired of acting like nothing happened. So tired of holding the tears in my eyes.

I'm totally disappointed with myself. I feel like giving up and I always think of giving up but I don't have the strength and the courage to.

What's wrong with me? Why am I being such a fool? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?!

I think I've made a lot of people disappointed as well. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry to myself too.

Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Wine and some love songs...

Sometimes being alone is not that bad after all. It’s been awhile since I’ve enjoy this kinda moment, I remembered the last time was … 2 years ago. And tonight I’m all alone at home with my radio on and a few glasses of white wine.

Last Friday night I was partying with my colleagues… and my girls – how can I miss them out! Sorry to the birthday boys, I guess I dumped them aside and my colleagues and boss too…I was just too busy with my girls as usual. But there’s drama at the end of that night, this one cried that one cried. Well, sometimes a shoulder to cry on, some pat on the back and a hug is all we wanted. Had a chat with my friend till 6 in the morning telling her the facts in life then suddenly after that conversation I’m amazed with myself, I’m speaking my thoughts out.

Have you ever fall in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? You’ve tried your best to change that person to the one who is totally right for you. You failed.  After all, that person will go back to their same old self because they changes because you want them to. And realized that they were not happy being the changed person that you want them to be.

Have you fall in love with someone who is so right for you but is not the type/material that you want? That you know someday you will wake up and say – “what’s wrong with me?” or “who is he/she?”  And then you’ve tried your best to change that person to the one who is as wrong as you. You might succeed but are they really the one you wanna be with for a long time?

And when you think he/she’s the one, he/she changed. Like suddenly or when you find out his/her little secret or past that you never wanna know. You were disappointed.  And your feelings changed too.

All I wanted to say is – nothing is certain and no one is perfect. You won’t know what will happen in a split second. People can change in just a split second. Something like when you wake up one day and decided you wanna do something and no one can make you change your mind even though you’ll regret about it. Choice is in your hand. And no matter it is true or not, you think that God has a plan for you and there’s a reason why he put you in all these.

Just enjoy life as it is. Do whatever you want that makes you happy. Why make it so complicated when it will only make you miserable all the time? If it’s not working out, why wanna force yourself to be someone other than yourselves in order to make things right? Why control your feelings when you know you can't control it at all? 

Choice is in your hands. No one can take that away from you once you've make up your mind. As long as you are happy.

~JeSsC~

My Second Home :)

Hotel booked! Super excited now..tell the world that I'm coming home!

Jeng!jeng!jeng! I'm going Bangkok next weekend. Can't wait! OMG! Can you imagine how excited I am?!!

KK Jalan-Jalan Cari Makan Trip

It's been a long long time..longer than I could ever imagine that I will be back blogging again. Life changed. No longer a sky waitress. Now I'm working at an advertising agency, a so called 9-6  10-6 job as an Account Executive/Personal Assistant for about 6 months now.

How's life treating me so far? Not bad.Surviving. 


Went to Kota Kinabalu last week with my other half. Despite my phone is dead, blackberry to be exact, sad, heartbroken, lifeless and yet the trip was great.

It was a short trip actually, 3D2N. We didn't climb the Mount Kinabalu as time is very limited but we had lots of nice food. Think about it makes me hungry. We went to Manukan Island and Sapi Island, not that great. Even he said there's nothing to see when he snorkels, no wonder it is cheap, only RM27/pax to go to 2 islands and RM3 to enter Manukan Island for Malaysians and RM10 for foreigners. So here's a tip - if you're a foreigner, write that you're from somewhere in Malaysia eg. KL, Johor, Ipoh etc. on their guestbook to save your RM7. :D

Seafood was super awesome! Super fresh! We went to 2 different seafood restaurants; one is Gayang Seafood Restaurant and one is Salut Seafood Restaurant. Gayang was the best, everything is fresh with a nice view too and most importantly it is really very cheap. We ordered prawns, crab, scallop, snails and a vege, it only costs us RM90.

Salut was just ok. Not that great. We ordered soft-shell crab, prawns, sotong, lala and a vege. Sotong was disappointing because it was frozen! FROZEN!!! and its super expensive! But the ambiance was not bad though...you can see the sunset.

Nothing much to do in KK actually other than feeding yourself. And their prices is about the same as KL.Their shopping malls..hmmm..no comment. Probably it would be much better if you go with a group of friends. Oh ya...don't rent a car from the airport.

Now that I'm back. Damn! my life is boring without blackberry. No whatsapp no bbm no facebook no twitter...so sad :( 

So what do you think I should get? On my list now is...well actually I've already made up my mind. I'll go for blackberry torch 9810. Why not wait for Iphone5? No offence but I'm not gonna effing queue for that overrated phone. Peace!

~JeSsC~

Stress-free

At perth now.Long stay again.This is my 2nd time now but this time I like to spend my time alone.

Spend the 1st day with a few colleagues,walked to Harbour Town.It was much colder than I expected when there's wind blows.Came back early to the hotel room,wanted to watched tv but something went wrong with the tv.The cute receptionist tried to fix it but still cannot watch,he felt bad so he gave me and my room mate complimentary breakfast to compensate.Slept early,woke up a few times in between to call my love and the bed was quite warm so I woke up to get some air.

Woke up early to go for breakfast with another colleague cos my room mate is fasting.Its a normal buffet english breakfast.Took us about 2 hours to go back up to the room cos we were chatting looking out the street and enjoyed the feeling.It was really a different feeling waking up early to have breakfast in a cold weather country.Its so laid back and relax.Looking at those people walking on the street on their way to their work place,took their own sweet time with no sense of urgency no stress faces no traffic jams and they looked so fresh not like what you can see in KL.Same goes like what I can see in Melbourne the last time I was there.I don't need to be worried that I'm walking alone on the street no one will look at me or give me that kind of 'look' even when I'm jogging or cycling.

I really wish I could migrate to this places.One day.Despite their racism.

Gonna go out alone now..look around myself.Ciaoz

~JeSsC~

I thought you were stronger than this..

This is the second blog I wrote for the night.I have morning flight and yet I'm still awake.The feeling of sleeping with someone and you can feel the distance...is like so near yet so far.

I was told not to publicize my personal life but I just don't know where to let it go.Its like there's a huge gigantic rock in my heart that I could not let go.Everything seems to fall apart seems like falling on me that I cannot take that impact on me.

I downed two glasses of white wine and a shot of whisky and I don't even feel high at all so that I could sleep.

After so long,I thought I wouldn't do that to myself anymore and this time.....I repeated doing the same thing again,trying to control myself hurting myself lesser this time because I know I got someone to live for someone I always think he's the one and someone I want to die only in his arms-only if he knows.

I tried to cry it out I tried to shout.....I just couldn't I don't know why.I wish I could say how I am feeling now out loud but there's no one here to listen to me.

Jessica Chen, I thought you were stronger than this.

~JeSsC~

Shallow!

Been busy for some updates lately or should I say my mind is TOO OCCUPIED by too many unwanted thoughts or things that happened lately.

There is this new friend I gotta know few weeks back when I was at a bar(without my boyfriend).After getting know each other,we add each other into our facebook.After that night,we met back again like after a week or so.

He found out that I have a boyfriend via facebook(not I don't want to tell him,he just didn't ask).Bla bla bla chit chat and all that suddenly he said I'm not a good girl(okay I was suprised).Then I asked why.He was quite reluctant to tell me until I forced him to.He said he saw all my clubbing pictures etc. etc and even read my blog and even my old blog!I was like 'so?' and he said 'aiyah...just be more obedient lah your boyfriend seems like a very good guy and you shouldn't do all this'.So I raised my voice a little and I ask DO WHAT?! and he just kept quiet.

Hello?!who the fuck are you to judge who am I by just looking at my pictures and blogs and my ex-boyfriends?!How you know that I AM that kind of person?!

Then he started changing his words...Oh no lah I think you're not that kind of person also,you're not that bad.

Fuck you lah!What NOT THAT BAD?!knnccb!

Stop stalking me you ASSHOLE!

~JeSsC~

6 months ALREADY!!

Lol...some people must be surprised.

Yeah six months is not long but to those who bet that we won't stay that long; it is long...to them.Jealous.

Me and my love celebrated our sixth month at Prego@The Westin Bukit Bintang once I came back from Bangkok.Not six months actually,its seventh month to be exact.And there's more months even years to come.

Actually,it was just an event that we find to celebrate because we got a bottle of complimentary wine that's gonna expire in August.So why not.

*always loving each other*

~JeSsc~